I'm not even sure how long of a break it has been, but I do know that it's been a long one. I doubt many people even read this blog, so that's okay. Honestly, it makes it even better when it comes to posts like these - I know not many people are reading what is going on and that makes it easier to hit publish. The thing is, I have started hundreds of posts, and I feel so good about them when I start them, but I will get half way through and hate everything I just said and delete it. I'm hoping I can get through this one. Let's just start with the month long vacation I had. I drove across country back to Oregon on June 30th with my brother. We were pulling down my mom's drive way in just 42 hours on July 2nd. I will never forget that day. Everyone (including Shae) was outside preparing for our huge 4th of July party. It was so heart warming to be coming home to that. Anyway, I was in Oregon for a couple of weeks. That was amazing. I have grown into a person that would rather spend time with my family then friends. I look at it this way, I talk to my mom at least twice a day on the phone and all day through text messages, some of the friends that were wanting to see me only talked to me once every other month or so. I did see some amazing friends, though, and it was great. I missed everyone so much. The greatness of Oregon was nothing once I got to Alaska. I felt home and alive and where I wanted to be. It had been 8 years since I had been back and it kind of took me by surprise that I felt so at home there. Especially when we got to Pelican. Part of me felt like it wasn't real because my grandpa Claude was no longer there. My aunt, she kept telling us to imagine him out hunting, so that's what I did. But then days would pass and I could no longer use that excuse. He was gone and not coming back. We were in his house that felt just like his house and I so badly wanted to hear his giddy little laugh as he walked down the stairs like I had seen so many times when I lived with him. It was easier being around so much family. I'm pretty sure that was the most populated Pelican has ever been. The population is 80 people, and there was close to 300 there at one point. It was crazy, but it was fun. So much happened in those 5 days in Pelican. I had amazing nights with some of the best people, and even amazing days. I was surrounded by people and a community that I love so much. My heart will always be there. Leaving was pretty much the worst. I had to go to the bar and get drunk to make it a little easier. I remember getting on the ferry, getting up to the top deck, and looking out at this small town and wanting to damn badly to just walk off the boat, leave my life behind and stay there forever. That moment passed when I was joined by my cousin, and then flashes of my marriage, my job and school came coming back to me. I swear that town puts a spell over you. Nobody ever wants to leave. There is a sense of peacefulness about it. You have no internet, no cell phone service and you can only make local calls unless you have a calling card. Everything about it is remote and you have to make your own fun outside. There are no cars or trucks, it's all walking or you have your own quad or golf cart of some sort, there are no police, and a little bar called Rosie's is kind of what keeps the town alive. It's hard to explain, but it's amazing. It really is. Coming back to North Carolina was a huge buzz kill. Luckily my mom and cousin came back with me. They left yesterday and now I'm alone for the next month. I haven't see Shae since June, and won't see him until September. Okay I saw him four days when I was in Oregon but that barely counts. So I am sitting here in our home, alone, it's quiet and I really just don't feel right? It doesn't make any sense. I am hoping that once school and work starts that this feeling will subside, but I just feel like I'm not happy with my life anymore and that scares me. We only have two more years here and it honestly feels like a lifetime. There really is no point to this post. It's just me rambling and letting my thoughts out. I really need to take a shower and get ready for the day so I will leave it at this.